The End of 2012

Wow, I haven't written anything here since 11/7/12.  I've become another year older since then and made it through the holidays (well except New Year's) happier than I've been in 2 years.  I did have a small party on 12/21/12 with close friends.  Of course Tim was there…..he had planned to have a party with Dave for years.  And it was Dave's birthday.  We sang Aquarius and Christmas songs drinking beer and tequila.  All had a great time and the world did not end.


Then there's the dream last week that could be telling me my future is bright.  Many of you may remember that I tried to attract bluebirds to my house a couple summers ago but only got sparrows.  I like the little sparrows and they still live in the bird house that I bought for about $100 to get bluebirds in my yard.  I will never kick them out.  I didn't really try for bluebirds this year although I decided in the early fall I will next year.  So my dream goes like this….  I'm standing outside by one of the doors and a bluebird flies up and poses for me for several minutes, letting me take tons of pictures.  Then he winks and flies away.

Here's hoping we all have a wonderful and happy 2013.  I think I'll keep in touch every now and then as an important memory or issue arises, but the heyday of my writing here is coming to a close.  Love you all!

peace, love, groove

Staying open….

A friend told me today that it's good for me to be open  to having feelings for another man.  That even if things don't work out, putting my feelings out there, in the open, is good.  Hmmmm.  See the way I view it is, in the world we live in today, if you open up to someone and they do the same back…there's a connection.  And that is good.  But why would there be a need for failure, why wouldn't it work out?  It's one thing if the person ends up being someone other than they appear to be.  It's another if they go away with a reason….just because, almost a technicality.

I'm sure my friend is right.  I can only see to the end of my nose after all.  Someday it will all be clear and worth this new journey.  Until then, I'll just sit and wonder.



peace, love, groove

Catch up…so it's Halloween

So pictures start with YaYa Sue and her son's wedding.  We went out for nails and eyebrow waxing 2 nights before.  YaYa fun!!!!  Then there's a few shots from the wedding and reception.  Two weekends ago Tim King, Joni King and Jason Keith helped me take apart my piano.  I had it since 1973, it was made in 1972.  I couldn't sell it, couldn't give it away and it didn't work.  So Tim is using the keys for a college art project, I put the hammers on a wall as art,  Keith cashed in the strings and other metal parts and I'm giving the empty shell to DC for an electric keyboard.  Totally recycled!!!!!  The next set of photos are from last our last weekend visit with my niece Courtney, her husband RJ and son Jonah.  And I had to add a picture of Ev walking in the hall 1 day after surgery for a broken hip.  The last picture is of the YaYas by Dave at Riverwood Cemetery 10/10/12…..post tequila shots.

peace, love, groove

The Way It Is

It just is….. on this windy night as Hurricane Sandy effects many areas of the east half of the US, it is the way it is.  I find myself home with my dogs, so thankful for everything I have and sometimes wishing for more.  Dave's mom fell Saturday on our way home from seeing her great grandchild in Ann Arbor (will post pictures tomorrow).  She broke her hip and is recovering at our local hospital.  I started going to the gym and got a trainer.  Last week I was so sore I couldn't walk down any stairs.  This week's not as bad.  The holidays will be here soon and I really want to enjoy them this year.  Let's do that together (I'm stashing away Oberon).



peace, love, groove

Time flies…

So the first thing I have to say is I still dont' understand dating at all.  Enough said.

I listened to 4 young men playing basketball across the street tonight and encouraged my neighbor to walk across the street with me before a thunderstorm hit.  Four young gentleman were playing ball and were so warm and friendly when we approached them.  To me, it is the legacy of Dave Maki…..he inspired the new hoop and the respect of others.  Just love who he was….is



peace, love groove

12-21-57 to 10-10-10

So, here it is….two years have gone by.  I never could have imagined the journey that started July 2009, where I've gone and where I am now.  Oh, and what I want.  I want Dave to be remembered forever.  I want to smile at the thought of him.  I want to find my way through- I'm getting there.

Here is the post from 10/11/10 about Dave's death.


Have a few minutes to write my thoughts and reflect. Dave started breathing harder around 10 pm. Julie L spent the night with us and we watched some of the Camp David DVD together and chatted with jazz music playing in the background. Around 11:30 pm we turned and rubbed Dave's back and positioned him. I went into the bathroom for a second and Julie called me. As I walked up to the bed, Dave was taking a breath- his color was poor. We held his hands and I kissed his head as he took a couple more breaths. His face was peaceful. Just when this happened, Nikki ran to the front door as if someone was leaving. She stopped and looked around for a minute.... I felt a sense of peace too.

Julie stayed with us and Catherine C-S came back over. The hospice nurse came over about an hour later. She called the funeral home to let them know and took all the "narcotics" they had issued. She was very nice. There was a discussion about the time of death with was 11:55 pm 10/10/10. Since it was 10/11 when she got there, we would go with that date. Julie, Catherine and I thought 10/10/10 was really the date and more fitting for DKM- the nurse agreed. Mike, our neighbor came over with a Mister Edd CD Dave had given him when he was 10 years old. How touching. As we waited for the funeral home to come for Dave, he went and listened to some of it in his car.

Today has been filled with a nap, calls, family and friends. I'll go to the funeral home to complete the plans this afternoon. Per Dave's request, he will be cremated. I will post all info as soon as I know. For sure I know Dave would like any memorials to go to the South Western Michigan Humane Society. More info to come...... Thanks to all who have followed and supported us.

The only thing I can add is: I RAN to Dave's bed when Julie called me, wanting to kiss him goodbye one last time.  Scared I would miss the last moment of warmth in his hand.  I started just holding and massaging his hands the first week we got the diagnosis- wondering how long he'd be with me, memorizing everything about his fingers (including the damaged ones from his snow blower accident when he was in college), preparing for the end.  I know now I started to separate myself from him the last month or so of his life.  I had to to survive.  I will survive.

Thanks as always for all of your love, support and comments.

peace, love, groove

It will be two years…….without my CW

I have been experiencing a lot of different emotions lately.  Seems that I am starting to move on with my life.  That's pretty strange.  I read the last few days of the blog from 10/3/10 to 10/10/10 tonight while crying.  I haven't thought of my nickname for Dave "Cancer Warrior" in so long….how I would wake him up chemo days calling him that and singing.  How well he did through chemo the first rounds.  The hard decisions and successes, the disappointments.  It's hard to read how he was failing so quickly, how weak he had become in such a short period.  This post is from 10/3/10:   "My sweet, sweet man is so tired lately. Glad he isn't in pain. We will all take good care of him. "  The morning after the 10/9 party: "Oh, my dreams for Dave came true last night. It was such a gift, honest. Friends and neighbors came over, the movie was playing in the front yard. There was laughter and love surrounding us. Of course there were tears too. I offered to go in with anyone who seemed a little anxious, told them Dave hears him. Many said their goodbyes- some short, some long. Our friend Suzanne brought a lavender satchel to put on Dave's chest, Suzanne and Joni massaged his hands and feet with lavender lotion. It was amazing to see his hands relax. Alison, Catherine C-S, and Beckie took care of me. Suzanne roasted chestnuts, what a great fall snack. We also looked at some older pictures and sang along with Earth, Wind and Fire songs.

We have the medication thing down, although we slept for 4 hours and missed a pain medication dose.  Dave still has a temperature this morning. His hands are so warm, arms are cool. The hospice nurse said this is a normal thing. Our old dog, Audrey is hanging around Dave's bed more. It's a peaceful morning. I'll update later. I cannot thank everyone enough for their love and support." All the love that surrounded him is almost unbelievable.

10/10/12 family and friends will gather at Riverview Cemetery to toast to Dave and then we'll go to Silver Beach Pizza.  Yes Topographic Oceans will play from beginning to end after dinner, hopefully in the backyard with a fire ( and Friday and Saturday night too).  It is tradition now.  I hope everyone will understand my wish to continue this in the future.  Somethings I can't release, somethings will stay with me forever.  Goodnight my CW, it's time.




peace, love, groove

The Rollar Coaster

The ups and downs of life....life after loosing Dave.....life trying to move on.  I think I'm the one who doesn't know any of the answers.  I have experienced the lowest of lows and the highest of highs in less than one week.  I have hopes for the future while feeling caution.  There's a good chance I've overreacted in my last post.  Yet, the experience led me to caution...not totally a bad thing.

Suddenly I find it's a little harder to write my feelings down for all to see.  For the moment it is about someone else.  Should I ask their permission?  I think I have to ask, at least inform them.  I've tried to keep names and specifics out of my posts because I understand that my words can impact them.

My goal is to describe the experience of starting over, to continue Dave's story by describing how I move forward.  This includes relationships.  What I know is I am scared to death.  What I know is I also see promise….a possibility……a future? ??????  What I know is I'm thankful to those who follow and listen.  I need your support.  Knowing you are there makes it better.

I am going to survive.  I am going to find more happiness.    


peace, love, groove

Let Me Make It Clear - I Don't Get Dating

I don't think I ever really participated in the dating "scene", instead I mostly have had boyfriends. I never went to prom and only went to school dances with girlfriends. I've never dated more than one man at a time.  My first boyfriend was in 2nd grade, short lived as it was.....the trend got it's start at the tender age of seven.  We ate lunch together every day.  I don't remember why we "broke up", just that it happened.  I don't even remember crying about it.  Well, I was only seven.  The next boyfriend I remember was 7th and 8th grade.  Get this, he was a musician.  We ended when my parents divorced and I moved with my mother to St Joe, Michigan. Oh...the next boyfriend (I was in 10th grade)was short lived, older and had been in jail.  NO LIE!  My grandmother and mother about had a COW!  Then I "went with" a trombone player a year older then me for about 2 1/2 years starting my junior year of high school.   The year after that ended I was courted by a young man who was attending Berklee music school in Boston.  He came to St Joe for 2 or 3 summers and played with the municipal band.  One year between 2 of these summers he sent me love notes (hand made) and flowers.  I think I still have the notes.  I talked with him a few times, never went on a date, and finally he gave up.  I wonder where he is now?  Then I started up with a cook at Bill Knapps.  I thought I would marry him.  I'm thinking this relationship lasted about 3 years including a 2 to 3 month break up in the middle and ending with us living together for maybe 1 year.  I was starting nursing school when we broke up.  That was a heart breaker.  During the second year of nursing school I studied with and dated another student,  my previous boyfriend tried to get back together with me, and I reconnected with and started dating Mr. Maki.  We dated for about 1 1/2 years and then married.

28 years later and here I am.....single again.  I don't get it.  Friends with benefits, Match.com, men dating/getting to know more than 1 woman at a time (to be fair I'm sure women do this too).  I don't get it.  Don't lead me on, don't spare my feelings if you're not interested.....DO spare my feelings if your not interested.  One voice inside tells me "don't settle", you deserved to be loved.  The other voice says "you're just cute and no one really wants you".  Take chances/don't get hurt. You need someone/you should stay alone.  Go find someone/ someone will find you.  STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I have cried more today than in the last nine months.  Maybe it's the nearing of 10/10/12- the two year anniversary of Dave's death.  Maybe it's hormonal.  Maybe it's that I can't help feeling I deserve just one little break.  Maybe it's that I put myself out there and feel betrayed.  Maybe it's that I'm overreacting.  I don't get it.


peace. love, groove

Remembering and offering

What a day....from sending a message to Dave's family at a reunion I could not attend in Wisconsin to talking to a friend who lost two family members in one month.  Wow!

I felt so strongly about attending the family reunion since I haven't seen many of Dave's extended family since the summer before he was diagnosed.  I was going to fly in a for just a couple days, but couldn't work it out.  So the least I could do was send a message to them tonight.  Hopefully it was a message of remembering, never ever forgetting and yet starting to move on.  There's that phrase again....move on, moving on.....

This afternoon I saw a work friend sitting by herself and stopped to stay "hi".  She is going to the second unexpected funeral in one month.  I never asked her the ages, but I know these family members had be 40 or much younger.  She has young children and is having a hard time deciding whether to take them to a second funeral.  She is struggling.  How can she know the right decision, really?  What if she makes a mistake?  I told her she has permission to make a mistake and not be perfect.  All she can do is her best.  One of her children is having a hard time being away from her and I shared a story I recently heard...  Many years ago a neighbor died suddenly and a mother listened to her young son fret thinking she would leave him too.  She thought about it while cooking dinner and then went to talk to her son.  She asked did he miss her while she was in the kitchen?  "no" Did he know she was still "here" even though she was in the other room?  "yes"   So, she said, I'm always "here" with you even when we're not together.  "ok"

It's hard to talk about death.  Sometimes I feel that friends don't want to talk about Dave - it might make me sad.  Or ask me how I am-  I may cry.  I cry most days, not for long and I occasionally miss a day, but I cry most days.  I miss Dave most days.  I want to talk about him, about his death, about what we went through.  I don't want to hide.  And I'm thankful I got the chance to ask him what he wanted when he died.  I'm know I've been on this soapbox before, but we have to talk about death. It's ok.

peace, love, groove

Another Labor Day

As I think about another Labor Day, it becomes very clear that soon it will be 10/10/12.  I know I've said this before, but it feels like an eternity and then like yesterday.  I remember so much of the weekend he died like it was yesterday, yet the two years since are a big blur.  I guess this is all normal.  I have a new friend who lost her husband 2 years ago in August.  She thought the second year anniversary was harder.  I think it's a hard reality that the loss will be deep forever.  I went to a highschool friends father's funeral (really a visitation) last Friday.  Talking to many highschool class mates someone asked "how are you?".  "Coming out of the fog"  I said.

This Labor Day (really Sunday night) I celebrated with friends:  The neighbors Kris, Kevin and Noah, and The Kings and Jason and Ester.  We had two firework shows and a campfire.  The weather was just perfect.  The campfires will continue all fall.  I hope to have a couple get togethers around 10/10/12 ..... of course listening to YES Tales.


peace, love, groove

The End of August

...and the busiest month of the summer for me.  The second week I went with the Lester's to the UP.  A quick trip that included a boat trip under the bridge and to Mackinac island.  Then Julie and I spent most of a day on the island bicycling around, eating a great meal by the water and touring the Grand Hotel.  I even found a new sweatshirt.  The third weekend brought a very quick trip to Vegas to see YES with a college friend and VIP tickets.  It was amazing to sit in the front row and meet the band.  

Last week I had to have a small outpatient procedure, which meant I  had to cancel a short trip for a Maki-Routsinoja reunion in Wisconsin early September since all of my vacation time was all used up.   Although I readied for the day like every other adventure this month, I found myself feeling very alone and emotional.  I suddenly wasn't sure how to keep fear from taking over.  Of course the Maki family and great friends were by my side.  Work and travel plans were changed so I wouldn't really be alone.  Although thankful, I couldn't stop thinking "how did I end up single" and "this wasn't in the plan". Well the bottom line is I should be fine and I did make it through with family and friends, but will it be easier next time?  That is one of the questions that seem to continue on.....the doubts that stay in the background.  10-10-12 will be here before I know it.  

A very good friend gave me the book "The Year of Magical Thinking" last year and told me to read it when I was ready.  I've started reading and I will finish it.  I don't know all of the answers the future will bring, not sure who really does.  It continues to be *one day at a time*.


peace, love, groove

One Month and Summer is Passing FAST!

I can't believe it's been one month since the July 4th party.  Time has just flown by so fast!  August and September will be busy and probably fly by too.  I'm going up past Mackinac with Julie Lester next week.  Just a quick trip to take Mark up for his yearly sailing trip with his dad.  Julie and I will go over to the island the next morning and then drive back.  The next weekend I'm flying to Las Vegas to go see YES with a college friend.  First week of September is a Routsinoja (Dave's mom) family reunion in Wisconsin.

The dogs seem to be adjusting to life with "daycare" and we'll start some agility classes again this Friday.  But, I have to get rid of the carpeting in the dining room/living room and the back door flooring too.  They've been urinating and it started getting more frequent.... I have to do something drastically different to stop what appears to now be a habit quickly.  I should have an estimate for flooring this week and start making some decisions.  Of course that has meant painting the back entryway and cleaning shelves, etc.  I'm sure I'll be painting more rooms too.

I've decided to give Lori's Place another try at the end of the month.  They stop the support group for the summer and restart the end of August.  Maybe I'll just go a couple times....we'll see.  To be really honest, I'm starting to consider Match.com.  10-10-12 will mark 2 years since Dave died and I think I need to start really moving forward.  I've always thought I'd date someone I knew...an old friend, but that hasn't worked out.  We'll see what October brings.  As I watched Andy Murray finally defeat Roger Federer today at the Olympics it occurred to me, some things are worth the wait.

I hope everyone is having a great summer.  peace, love, groove

Catch Up, a Cool Down and Marking An Anniversary

 

 

 
 










Pictures of July 4th party, Wednesday; Thursday July 5th All In Love Practice; Saturday, July 7 SJHS class of 1972 reunion and the after party.

I've been busy getting ready for the July 4th party.  Some great friends braved the heat and hung out with me most of the evening.  Then another great July weekend with All In Love.  The band was in town for St Joe High School reunion for the class of 1972.  Three band members were in the class.  It is so fun to be with them...I always feel Dave around too.

It's been an interesting year so far.  This month marks three years since Dave's ER trip that lead to his cancer diagnosis.  July 2010 we celebrated a year and Dave's amazing strength and love for life and music.  Last July was a first for me....alone, but with so many great friends and family surrounding me. This year feels more bitter sweet.  I know it's time for me to start moving on, yet I really don't know how.....and it will include Dave Maki in some way.  Always.


peace, love, groove