The Rollar Coaster

The ups and downs of life....life after loosing Dave.....life trying to move on.  I think I'm the one who doesn't know any of the answers.  I have experienced the lowest of lows and the highest of highs in less than one week.  I have hopes for the future while feeling caution.  There's a good chance I've overreacted in my last post.  Yet, the experience led me to caution...not totally a bad thing.

Suddenly I find it's a little harder to write my feelings down for all to see.  For the moment it is about someone else.  Should I ask their permission?  I think I have to ask, at least inform them.  I've tried to keep names and specifics out of my posts because I understand that my words can impact them.

My goal is to describe the experience of starting over, to continue Dave's story by describing how I move forward.  This includes relationships.  What I know is I am scared to death.  What I know is I also see promise….a possibility……a future? ??????  What I know is I'm thankful to those who follow and listen.  I need your support.  Knowing you are there makes it better.

I am going to survive.  I am going to find more happiness.    


peace, love, groove

Let Me Make It Clear - I Don't Get Dating

I don't think I ever really participated in the dating "scene", instead I mostly have had boyfriends. I never went to prom and only went to school dances with girlfriends. I've never dated more than one man at a time.  My first boyfriend was in 2nd grade, short lived as it was.....the trend got it's start at the tender age of seven.  We ate lunch together every day.  I don't remember why we "broke up", just that it happened.  I don't even remember crying about it.  Well, I was only seven.  The next boyfriend I remember was 7th and 8th grade.  Get this, he was a musician.  We ended when my parents divorced and I moved with my mother to St Joe, Michigan. Oh...the next boyfriend (I was in 10th grade)was short lived, older and had been in jail.  NO LIE!  My grandmother and mother about had a COW!  Then I "went with" a trombone player a year older then me for about 2 1/2 years starting my junior year of high school.   The year after that ended I was courted by a young man who was attending Berklee music school in Boston.  He came to St Joe for 2 or 3 summers and played with the municipal band.  One year between 2 of these summers he sent me love notes (hand made) and flowers.  I think I still have the notes.  I talked with him a few times, never went on a date, and finally he gave up.  I wonder where he is now?  Then I started up with a cook at Bill Knapps.  I thought I would marry him.  I'm thinking this relationship lasted about 3 years including a 2 to 3 month break up in the middle and ending with us living together for maybe 1 year.  I was starting nursing school when we broke up.  That was a heart breaker.  During the second year of nursing school I studied with and dated another student,  my previous boyfriend tried to get back together with me, and I reconnected with and started dating Mr. Maki.  We dated for about 1 1/2 years and then married.

28 years later and here I am.....single again.  I don't get it.  Friends with benefits, Match.com, men dating/getting to know more than 1 woman at a time (to be fair I'm sure women do this too).  I don't get it.  Don't lead me on, don't spare my feelings if you're not interested.....DO spare my feelings if your not interested.  One voice inside tells me "don't settle", you deserved to be loved.  The other voice says "you're just cute and no one really wants you".  Take chances/don't get hurt. You need someone/you should stay alone.  Go find someone/ someone will find you.  STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I have cried more today than in the last nine months.  Maybe it's the nearing of 10/10/12- the two year anniversary of Dave's death.  Maybe it's hormonal.  Maybe it's that I can't help feeling I deserve just one little break.  Maybe it's that I put myself out there and feel betrayed.  Maybe it's that I'm overreacting.  I don't get it.


peace. love, groove

Remembering and offering

What a day....from sending a message to Dave's family at a reunion I could not attend in Wisconsin to talking to a friend who lost two family members in one month.  Wow!

I felt so strongly about attending the family reunion since I haven't seen many of Dave's extended family since the summer before he was diagnosed.  I was going to fly in a for just a couple days, but couldn't work it out.  So the least I could do was send a message to them tonight.  Hopefully it was a message of remembering, never ever forgetting and yet starting to move on.  There's that phrase again....move on, moving on.....

This afternoon I saw a work friend sitting by herself and stopped to stay "hi".  She is going to the second unexpected funeral in one month.  I never asked her the ages, but I know these family members had be 40 or much younger.  She has young children and is having a hard time deciding whether to take them to a second funeral.  She is struggling.  How can she know the right decision, really?  What if she makes a mistake?  I told her she has permission to make a mistake and not be perfect.  All she can do is her best.  One of her children is having a hard time being away from her and I shared a story I recently heard...  Many years ago a neighbor died suddenly and a mother listened to her young son fret thinking she would leave him too.  She thought about it while cooking dinner and then went to talk to her son.  She asked did he miss her while she was in the kitchen?  "no" Did he know she was still "here" even though she was in the other room?  "yes"   So, she said, I'm always "here" with you even when we're not together.  "ok"

It's hard to talk about death.  Sometimes I feel that friends don't want to talk about Dave - it might make me sad.  Or ask me how I am-  I may cry.  I cry most days, not for long and I occasionally miss a day, but I cry most days.  I miss Dave most days.  I want to talk about him, about his death, about what we went through.  I don't want to hide.  And I'm thankful I got the chance to ask him what he wanted when he died.  I'm know I've been on this soapbox before, but we have to talk about death. It's ok.

peace, love, groove

Another Labor Day

As I think about another Labor Day, it becomes very clear that soon it will be 10/10/12.  I know I've said this before, but it feels like an eternity and then like yesterday.  I remember so much of the weekend he died like it was yesterday, yet the two years since are a big blur.  I guess this is all normal.  I have a new friend who lost her husband 2 years ago in August.  She thought the second year anniversary was harder.  I think it's a hard reality that the loss will be deep forever.  I went to a highschool friends father's funeral (really a visitation) last Friday.  Talking to many highschool class mates someone asked "how are you?".  "Coming out of the fog"  I said.

This Labor Day (really Sunday night) I celebrated with friends:  The neighbors Kris, Kevin and Noah, and The Kings and Jason and Ester.  We had two firework shows and a campfire.  The weather was just perfect.  The campfires will continue all fall.  I hope to have a couple get togethers around 10/10/12 ..... of course listening to YES Tales.


peace, love, groove