Link to Dave Maki Musical Tribute Saturday October 16, 2010 8 to 10 pm is closed


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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Thinking it through

So I'm thinking about how approximately 2 years ago we were in the ED (also known as ER) finding out that Dave had cancer. It seems like it's time to talk about what I was thinking and, unfortunately, knew because of my medical background. When they presented us with the picture of Dave's 2 lung tumors, it was obvious how close one was to his aorta. I immediately went into survival mode. There's no way I could share my real thoughts with Dave. I knew it was stage 3 to 4 and there's was a time line put in front of us. We sat on the cancer diagnosis for 2 or 3 days before I said we had to let our family and friends know. I remember thinking that I was going to be a widow. Please don't think I was giving up on him....I just realized the inevitable while never (never ever) giving up hope that I was wrong. It was the deep secret I held so close to my heart. Every night when we went to sleep I held his hand and looked at every finger thinking how much I loved him. I tried to embrace every second I could... I think I did that okay, but now it's time to talk about it and probably move on. Dave still is my favorite person in the whole world. I'm so proud of how brave and loving he was until the end. I'm so thankful for all of our family and friends. Sometimes I just can't believe he's gone......


peace, love, groove
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6 comments:

  1. MimiJuly 6, 2011 at 9:24 PM

    Tears poured down reading this. Being a nurse myself, part of me always knew/suspected that you knew from the get-go what the outcome would be...I remember thinking too, "Lee's going to be a widow"...but then there was the study drug and those tumors shrinking up a storm. I always had a lot of hope simply because I wanted to--I wanted that outcome.
    As the months went by, and setbacks came, then came more frequently, it hit hard. Anger at cancer, and its power to steal our loved ones, was intense. But I kept trying to hope, because it was Dave. And you.
    A very difficult quandary, to maintain hope while all the while knowing the reality.
    Yes, dear Lee, "time to talk about it and probably move on". Move on you must, in order to live, and you can do that, without leaving Dave behind. Because he is ok. And your friends love you and want the very best for you. And so does Dave, I'm quite certain.

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  2. David BartzJuly 6, 2011 at 9:34 PM

    Thank you for sharing this, sweetie. We all knew how brave you were in the face of this very bad situation. I think this sharing is part of the process in relieving everything you kept in for so long. It's important and we appreciate it. We love you AND Dave...

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  3. UnknownJuly 6, 2011 at 9:48 PM

    Thank you both. love you...

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  4. jpayneJuly 7, 2011 at 9:22 AM

    You did it all in a class act kind of way, the best ever, and we were all there to see it. It gave us inspiration to deal with it & carry on! I remember getting the email from Dave & it crushed me, I had just gone through the Roger Burns thing and also the accident plus having you and Dave take me to the Burns party in Kalamazoo. Dave reminded me on the way up about getting on him all the time about “smoking till downbeat” as I loved his singing voice. I told Dave then that if I had his voice, I would have never smoked, you were there! He said that there were people out there, who didn’t even know he could sing, that blew me away!

    Dave is gone but not the memory and that far backyard has a lot of comfort to it. To see that pile of bottle caps knowing that Dave had touched some of them & that big tree that Dave knew about brings him closer. The love is still there & will always be!

    My biggest let-down was when you had to turn back from New York, that following weekend I came down to see Dave not able to go upstairs & when I left I cried for days to where I couldn’t cry anymore.

    We are all on this road of life but it might not be cut and dry to where we know it is going to be sooner rather than later. It’s best not to leave any emotional laundry with anyone at this stage of the game.

    In the end we are all going where Dave & Roger are,

    I’m Glad!

    P.S. It usually takes about ten years before someone is at the stage you are at now, that’s Dave’s love and your character.

    John

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  5. MimiJuly 7, 2011 at 5:11 PM

    Beautiful, John.

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  6. UnknownJuly 7, 2011 at 6:41 PM

    You're too kind John....thanks

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