The Rollar Coaster

The ups and downs of life....life after loosing Dave.....life trying to move on.  I think I'm the one who doesn't know any of the answers.  I have experienced the lowest of lows and the highest of highs in less than one week.  I have hopes for the future while feeling caution.  There's a good chance I've overreacted in my last post.  Yet, the experience led me to caution...not totally a bad thing.

Suddenly I find it's a little harder to write my feelings down for all to see.  For the moment it is about someone else.  Should I ask their permission?  I think I have to ask, at least inform them.  I've tried to keep names and specifics out of my posts because I understand that my words can impact them.

My goal is to describe the experience of starting over, to continue Dave's story by describing how I move forward.  This includes relationships.  What I know is I am scared to death.  What I know is I also see promise….a possibility……a future? ??????  What I know is I'm thankful to those who follow and listen.  I need your support.  Knowing you are there makes it better.

I am going to survive.  I am going to find more happiness.    


peace, love, groove

Let Me Make It Clear - I Don't Get Dating

I don't think I ever really participated in the dating "scene", instead I mostly have had boyfriends. I never went to prom and only went to school dances with girlfriends. I've never dated more than one man at a time.  My first boyfriend was in 2nd grade, short lived as it was.....the trend got it's start at the tender age of seven.  We ate lunch together every day.  I don't remember why we "broke up", just that it happened.  I don't even remember crying about it.  Well, I was only seven.  The next boyfriend I remember was 7th and 8th grade.  Get this, he was a musician.  We ended when my parents divorced and I moved with my mother to St Joe, Michigan. Oh...the next boyfriend (I was in 10th grade)was short lived, older and had been in jail.  NO LIE!  My grandmother and mother about had a COW!  Then I "went with" a trombone player a year older then me for about 2 1/2 years starting my junior year of high school.   The year after that ended I was courted by a young man who was attending Berklee music school in Boston.  He came to St Joe for 2 or 3 summers and played with the municipal band.  One year between 2 of these summers he sent me love notes (hand made) and flowers.  I think I still have the notes.  I talked with him a few times, never went on a date, and finally he gave up.  I wonder where he is now?  Then I started up with a cook at Bill Knapps.  I thought I would marry him.  I'm thinking this relationship lasted about 3 years including a 2 to 3 month break up in the middle and ending with us living together for maybe 1 year.  I was starting nursing school when we broke up.  That was a heart breaker.  During the second year of nursing school I studied with and dated another student,  my previous boyfriend tried to get back together with me, and I reconnected with and started dating Mr. Maki.  We dated for about 1 1/2 years and then married.

28 years later and here I am.....single again.  I don't get it.  Friends with benefits, Match.com, men dating/getting to know more than 1 woman at a time (to be fair I'm sure women do this too).  I don't get it.  Don't lead me on, don't spare my feelings if you're not interested.....DO spare my feelings if your not interested.  One voice inside tells me "don't settle", you deserved to be loved.  The other voice says "you're just cute and no one really wants you".  Take chances/don't get hurt. You need someone/you should stay alone.  Go find someone/ someone will find you.  STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I have cried more today than in the last nine months.  Maybe it's the nearing of 10/10/12- the two year anniversary of Dave's death.  Maybe it's hormonal.  Maybe it's that I can't help feeling I deserve just one little break.  Maybe it's that I put myself out there and feel betrayed.  Maybe it's that I'm overreacting.  I don't get it.


peace. love, groove

Remembering and offering

What a day....from sending a message to Dave's family at a reunion I could not attend in Wisconsin to talking to a friend who lost two family members in one month.  Wow!

I felt so strongly about attending the family reunion since I haven't seen many of Dave's extended family since the summer before he was diagnosed.  I was going to fly in a for just a couple days, but couldn't work it out.  So the least I could do was send a message to them tonight.  Hopefully it was a message of remembering, never ever forgetting and yet starting to move on.  There's that phrase again....move on, moving on.....

This afternoon I saw a work friend sitting by herself and stopped to stay "hi".  She is going to the second unexpected funeral in one month.  I never asked her the ages, but I know these family members had be 40 or much younger.  She has young children and is having a hard time deciding whether to take them to a second funeral.  She is struggling.  How can she know the right decision, really?  What if she makes a mistake?  I told her she has permission to make a mistake and not be perfect.  All she can do is her best.  One of her children is having a hard time being away from her and I shared a story I recently heard...  Many years ago a neighbor died suddenly and a mother listened to her young son fret thinking she would leave him too.  She thought about it while cooking dinner and then went to talk to her son.  She asked did he miss her while she was in the kitchen?  "no" Did he know she was still "here" even though she was in the other room?  "yes"   So, she said, I'm always "here" with you even when we're not together.  "ok"

It's hard to talk about death.  Sometimes I feel that friends don't want to talk about Dave - it might make me sad.  Or ask me how I am-  I may cry.  I cry most days, not for long and I occasionally miss a day, but I cry most days.  I miss Dave most days.  I want to talk about him, about his death, about what we went through.  I don't want to hide.  And I'm thankful I got the chance to ask him what he wanted when he died.  I'm know I've been on this soapbox before, but we have to talk about death. It's ok.

peace, love, groove

Another Labor Day

As I think about another Labor Day, it becomes very clear that soon it will be 10/10/12.  I know I've said this before, but it feels like an eternity and then like yesterday.  I remember so much of the weekend he died like it was yesterday, yet the two years since are a big blur.  I guess this is all normal.  I have a new friend who lost her husband 2 years ago in August.  She thought the second year anniversary was harder.  I think it's a hard reality that the loss will be deep forever.  I went to a highschool friends father's funeral (really a visitation) last Friday.  Talking to many highschool class mates someone asked "how are you?".  "Coming out of the fog"  I said.

This Labor Day (really Sunday night) I celebrated with friends:  The neighbors Kris, Kevin and Noah, and The Kings and Jason and Ester.  We had two firework shows and a campfire.  The weather was just perfect.  The campfires will continue all fall.  I hope to have a couple get togethers around 10/10/12 ..... of course listening to YES Tales.


peace, love, groove

The End of August

...and the busiest month of the summer for me.  The second week I went with the Lester's to the UP.  A quick trip that included a boat trip under the bridge and to Mackinac island.  Then Julie and I spent most of a day on the island bicycling around, eating a great meal by the water and touring the Grand Hotel.  I even found a new sweatshirt.  The third weekend brought a very quick trip to Vegas to see YES with a college friend and VIP tickets.  It was amazing to sit in the front row and meet the band.  

Last week I had to have a small outpatient procedure, which meant I  had to cancel a short trip for a Maki-Routsinoja reunion in Wisconsin early September since all of my vacation time was all used up.   Although I readied for the day like every other adventure this month, I found myself feeling very alone and emotional.  I suddenly wasn't sure how to keep fear from taking over.  Of course the Maki family and great friends were by my side.  Work and travel plans were changed so I wouldn't really be alone.  Although thankful, I couldn't stop thinking "how did I end up single" and "this wasn't in the plan". Well the bottom line is I should be fine and I did make it through with family and friends, but will it be easier next time?  That is one of the questions that seem to continue on.....the doubts that stay in the background.  10-10-12 will be here before I know it.  

A very good friend gave me the book "The Year of Magical Thinking" last year and told me to read it when I was ready.  I've started reading and I will finish it.  I don't know all of the answers the future will bring, not sure who really does.  It continues to be *one day at a time*.


peace, love, groove

One Month and Summer is Passing FAST!

I can't believe it's been one month since the July 4th party.  Time has just flown by so fast!  August and September will be busy and probably fly by too.  I'm going up past Mackinac with Julie Lester next week.  Just a quick trip to take Mark up for his yearly sailing trip with his dad.  Julie and I will go over to the island the next morning and then drive back.  The next weekend I'm flying to Las Vegas to go see YES with a college friend.  First week of September is a Routsinoja (Dave's mom) family reunion in Wisconsin.

The dogs seem to be adjusting to life with "daycare" and we'll start some agility classes again this Friday.  But, I have to get rid of the carpeting in the dining room/living room and the back door flooring too.  They've been urinating and it started getting more frequent.... I have to do something drastically different to stop what appears to now be a habit quickly.  I should have an estimate for flooring this week and start making some decisions.  Of course that has meant painting the back entryway and cleaning shelves, etc.  I'm sure I'll be painting more rooms too.

I've decided to give Lori's Place another try at the end of the month.  They stop the support group for the summer and restart the end of August.  Maybe I'll just go a couple times....we'll see.  To be really honest, I'm starting to consider Match.com.  10-10-12 will mark 2 years since Dave died and I think I need to start really moving forward.  I've always thought I'd date someone I knew...an old friend, but that hasn't worked out.  We'll see what October brings.  As I watched Andy Murray finally defeat Roger Federer today at the Olympics it occurred to me, some things are worth the wait.

I hope everyone is having a great summer.  peace, love, groove

Catch Up, a Cool Down and Marking An Anniversary

 

 

 
 










Pictures of July 4th party, Wednesday; Thursday July 5th All In Love Practice; Saturday, July 7 SJHS class of 1972 reunion and the after party.

I've been busy getting ready for the July 4th party.  Some great friends braved the heat and hung out with me most of the evening.  Then another great July weekend with All In Love.  The band was in town for St Joe High School reunion for the class of 1972.  Three band members were in the class.  It is so fun to be with them...I always feel Dave around too.

It's been an interesting year so far.  This month marks three years since Dave's ER trip that lead to his cancer diagnosis.  July 2010 we celebrated a year and Dave's amazing strength and love for life and music.  Last July was a first for me....alone, but with so many great friends and family surrounding me. This year feels more bitter sweet.  I know it's time for me to start moving on, yet I really don't know how.....and it will include Dave Maki in some way.  Always.


peace, love, groove