I don't think I ever really participated in the dating "scene", instead I mostly have had boyfriends. I never went to prom and only went to school dances with girlfriends. I've never dated more than one man at a time. My first boyfriend was in 2nd grade, short lived as it was.....the trend got it's start at the tender age of seven. We ate lunch together every day. I don't remember why we "broke up", just that it happened. I don't even remember crying about it. Well, I was only seven. The next boyfriend I remember was 7th and 8th grade. Get this, he was a musician. We ended when my parents divorced and I moved with my mother to St Joe, Michigan. Oh...the next boyfriend (I was in 10th grade)was short lived, older and had been in jail. NO LIE! My grandmother and mother about had a COW! Then I "went with" a trombone player a year older then me for about 2 1/2 years starting my junior year of high school. The year after that ended I was courted by a young man who was attending Berklee music school in Boston. He came to St Joe for 2 or 3 summers and played with the municipal band. One year between 2 of these summers he sent me love notes (hand made) and flowers. I think I still have the notes. I talked with him a few times, never went on a date, and finally he gave up. I wonder where he is now? Then I started up with a cook at Bill Knapps. I thought I would marry him. I'm thinking this relationship lasted about 3 years including a 2 to 3 month break up in the middle and ending with us living together for maybe 1 year. I was starting nursing school when we broke up. That was a heart breaker. During the second year of nursing school I studied with and dated another student, my previous boyfriend tried to get back together with me, and I reconnected with and started dating Mr. Maki. We dated for about 1 1/2 years and then married.
28 years later and here I am.....single again. I don't get it. Friends with benefits, Match.com, men dating/getting to know more than 1 woman at a time (to be fair I'm sure women do this too). I don't get it. Don't lead me on, don't spare my feelings if you're not interested.....DO spare my feelings if your not interested. One voice inside tells me "don't settle", you deserved to be loved. The other voice says "you're just cute and no one really wants you". Take chances/don't get hurt. You need someone/you should stay alone. Go find someone/ someone will find you. STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have cried more today than in the last nine months. Maybe it's the nearing of 10/10/12- the two year anniversary of Dave's death. Maybe it's hormonal. Maybe it's that I can't help feeling I deserve just one little break. Maybe it's that I put myself out there and feel betrayed. Maybe it's that I'm overreacting. I don't get it.
peace. love, groove
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Oh, my girl I don't know what to say...I am SO sad that you cried so much today. One thing in all the conflicting stuff near the end of your post DOES resonate, and that is "Don't settle..."
ReplyDeleteTrumpet player for 2 1/2 years in High School? Who was that? Where was I? Lol...and who was the jailbird in 10th grade?? MESSAGE ME CAUSE I DON'T REMEMBER!!
The Bill Knapp's years were the ones when we were out of touch. I was busy being pregnant/single mom, you were busy getting thru nursing school.
This much I know: you are a wonderful person. One who knows how to love, possibly more than most of the rest of us do. You are and will be an AMAZING catch for the right guy. Just hold out. It will happen without any forcing on your part, and you will know that it's real. I wish I was there now, and that we were talking about all of this in person. Love you, Lee....it's all going to be OK.
....sorry you're feeling down, Lee......all I can really offer is that of all the emotions, love's the ultimate outlaw. It shows up unannounced, it stays as long as it wants, and it leaves when it damn well feels like it. I second Mimi - you ARE the goods. Just hang in and stay positive and open to it - not easy to do at times, for sure. And when it does finally walk in the door - be sure to offer it a comfortable seat. Love you, Lee....PLG
ReplyDelete....sorry you're feeling down, Lee......all I can really offer is that of all the emotions, love's the ultimate outlaw. It shows up unannounced, it stays as long as it wants, and it leaves when it damn well feels like it. I second Mimi - you ARE the goods. Just hang in and stay positive and open to it - not easy to do at times, for sure. And when it does finally walk in the door - be sure to offer it a comfortable seat. Wishing you eventual joy, Lee....PLG
ReplyDeleteWas that Scott?
DeleteThe world won't give you a break you have to take it! There is a lot of testing here and you can't build it in one day. Start out by examining and redefining yourself and what image you want to project and what do you want out of life, a relationship is only part of that! Then practice not giving it all away so that you can have thick skin to take the cruelty you will get verbally and emotionally, that little place inside no one can get too. I take on a role where my core belief is that people don’t know themselves let alone me so whatever they say about me is under scrutiny, lot of friendamies out there! You have to get used to meeting new people also and keep the intentions light like you not looking for a mate just someone to talk too and it’s a numbers game here, just like thousands of turtles get released only a few make it from the beach to the water so you have to meet a lot or shop on line till you drop and have a lot of patients, LOTS. So get that look that makes you comfortable and fearless and LIKE yourself cuz you are worth it. Listen to Aretha Franklin too!
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